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by thoughtsappear



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Gen, M/M, Off Screen Death, References to Depression, References to Suicide, Zombie Apocalypse, mentions of gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 12:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15773817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtsappear/pseuds/thoughtsappear
Summary: During the zombie apocalypse, Yuri struggles with guilt and shame over actions that may have led to the deaths of his friends.





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**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zetal (Rodinia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Many Uses of Brains](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854576) by [Zetal (Rodinia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal). 



> This is a remix of Zetal's fic. There was a line about Yuri and a katana, and BAM here we are.

Sometimes Otabek had to hold Yuri to keep him from shaking. He didn't like being held. It reminded him of Yuuri's arms around his waist, pulling him away, holding him back. He dreamed about the bites that never came. The zombies that grabbed blindly at his long hair, at his loose clothing, all the things he'd come to know were dangerous liabilities. All the things he'd removed from himself as soon as he could. But none of those things would bring Yuuri or Victor back. 

He liked to think that Yuuri had died in Victor's arms. That he'd saved one bullet for Yuuri and another for himself. He liked to think that Yuuri Katsuki died as himself, with his coach and his husband pulling the trigger, and not as a mindless monster. He liked to think that maybe they spoke to each other before Yuuri closed his eyes and that Victor brushed his hair out of his eyes one last time before pressing his gun to his forehead.

Yuri didn't know if any of this was true. He didn't want to know the truth. He had run as far, and as fast as he could as the chaos surrounded them all. He heard Victor's gun going off and he heard Yuuri shouting in badly accented Russian, and he heard Mila crying, but like the coward he was, he just ran. He ran and hid until Georgi and Otabek found him an hour later, shivering and covered in his own filth and so desperate for human contact he hugged them both even though they smelled rank, like the zombie blood they were covered in to better move through the horde.

The only thing he said, as Otabek pushed back his bangs with bloody fingers was, "I want to go home."

Yuri knew they all had seen what had happened. They all knew that Victor and Yuuri were dead. They all knew that it was his fault. If he was a better person he would have walked right into the crowd of undead and offered himself as a distraction.

It wasn't until the katana that he started to seriously consider it.

The six of them sought shelter in an old abandoned bunker. The first night there was spend looking for supplies, and securing the exits. Among the weapons in the bunker, there it was. A katana, looking sharp as death and inscribed with various Japanese characters. He wanted to ask Yuuri what they meant. He wanted to sword fight with Mila like when they were children. Yuri stared at the katana and couldn't speak. Yuri wanted to use it to slit his wrists but instead he felt himself crumble into a pile. Sound came out of his mouth in pitiful wails. He heard himself be hushed, and yet his voice continued. 

Yuri couldn't make himself stand, despite knowing he needed to move. He heard voices behind him, speaking English, the only common language in the group. He felt strong arms lift him like a child and carry him away. He knew it was Otabek by the smell. It smelled almost like home. 

Otabek found a place in the bunker that was secluded and quiet. Yuri's voice stopped, and he slumped down to the floor. It was cold down there, and he pressed his cheek against the tile until he could feel nothing else.

Yuri didn't speak at first. He paced the walls, letting out choked sobs whenever he could no longer keep them inside. Otabek stood there, watching in that quiet way he had. There was a long gash on his right eyebrow. Tape held it together and just looking at it made Yuri wince. Everyone had some kind of scrape, wound, twisted ankle, bruised knees. Yuri had a tear in his jacket. That was it.

He was unblemished entirely. He was such a coward. Couldn't save his friends, couldn't even save himself. 

Otabek waited until Yuri had stopped crying. It was less that the tears had run dry, and more that he had lost his voice and he felt like a fool to be wasting so much energy on his grief. He never knew when he'd have to run again. It was silly to waste one's resources on burying a body, mourning a friend, questioning anything. This was how things were now, and you had little choice other than to accept it and keep moving forward.

Otabek offered him a clean sleeve to wipe his nose on, and Yuri took it. It was better than the alternative, a smelly jacket covered in Yuuri's blood. Otabek reached up and ruffled Yuri's hair. It was shaggy and blunt, cut frantically with scissors in a moving van in the dark of night. Yuri hadn't seen his own reflection in months. 

"It's all my fault," he said. Otabek didn't say anything right away. Yuri held his head in his hands and pressed so hard he saw stars. 

Otabek said, "Katsuki saved your life, he and Victor knew exactly what they were doing, and I bet they didn’t regret any of it."

Otabek was hard to argue with. He didn't tell Yuri what he wanted to hear, and he didn't coddle Yuri the way Victor and Mila liked to. In a time like this, when Yuri needed to be tenacious and keep his wits about him, he appreciated the hard love.

"Are we gonna make it?" Yuri asked.

"I'm not giving up, and neither should you," Otabek replied. He wasn't the type to answer questions if he didn't know the answer. Yuri sighed and wiped his face on Otabek's sleeve a second time.

"Let's go see if they found any food," Yuri suggested.

When they got downstairs, Mila and Sara were huddled together in a bunk meant for one. They'd been awfully close this entire time. He could only imagine what Sara's dumbass brother would say. Yuri followed Otabek to the bunks in the corner and accepted the stale granola bars and bottled water Mila provided. Yuri gulped down his food without tasting it. The water felt good on a throat hoarse from his screaming. It was already past sundown, and Mickey had taken the night watch. 

Yuri shivered under a thin blanket on a stiff bed and tried to rest. Everything around him drew his focus. Yuri could hear Mila and Sara whispering about rations. He could hear Georgi reciting under his breath, “There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.” He wanted to block it all out, but after so much time on the road, and so much time living in fear, any little sound was enough to put his whole body on edge. He was constantly listening for any kind of sound that might be a zombie, a wounded animal, another survivor.

Those early months had been rough. He, Victor and Yuuri had watched those around them die one by one. Yakov and Lilia had swallowed cyanide pills in the middle of the night. Dedushka had been bit by a rabid dog and put a gun in his mouth the next morning. Every day had come with someone new to say goodbye to. Yuri shivered and pulled the blankets up to his chin.

He heard shifting on the bed beside him and then he heard something faint. It sounded like music. He rolled over to face Otabek who was lying on the bed, fully clothed. There was no reason to undress anymore at night. You'd be an idiot to take your shoes off and risk being caught without them. He was listening to an old beat up ipod. Yuri couldn't believe Otabek still had such a thing, or that it even worked anymore. 

Otabek pulled the right headphone out of his ear and offered it to Yuri. He knew there were a million reasons not to accept the offer, but he took the tiny ear bud and shoved it in his ear. The bunks were already close together, but he rolled over to the edge as close as he could. And they laid there, sharing a set of headphones, listening to various classical pieces of music. Otabek's old skate routines. Occasionally they looked at each other, and they did their best to pretend they didn't notice the tear tracks that had escaped either of their eyes until the sun was coming up again, and Mickey was barking orders. 

The batteries were dead, but Otabek simply shrugged and placed the old ipod into his jacket. 

Breakfast was half an old can of peaches. He shared with Georgi, and they sucked every drop of juice into their mouths. Yuri could hear groaning outside, interrupted by random gunshots. Mila and Sara were keeping watch and having target practice. Sara had the eagle eye of a sniper, and she was excellent at picking zombies off. 

Yuri listened to Georgi and Mickey talking in the corner, they were discussing future plans, where to do next, what to do after the rations ran out. Yuri suddenly couldn't sit still. He jumped up and found Otabek in the bunks, sitting on top of his bed reading a dog eared book. The cover had been ripped off, so Yuri had no idea what it was or what language it was in. Otabek jumped in surprise when he heard Yuri's footsteps. Yuri didn't blame him, they all had nerves shot to hell these days. 

"What are you reading?" Yuri asked, taking a seat on the bunk next to him. 

"A copy of The Odyssey, there's about two thirds of the book missing," Otabek said, opening the text again and laying it where Yuri could see. The book was in English. Yuri didn't read well in English.

"What's it about?"

"There’s a man named Odysseus, and he’s trying to sail home after fighting in the Trojan War. He meets all these creatures on the way," Otabek said. 

Otabek skimmed a few pages, and looked over at Yuri who was trying to hide his interest. He watched Otabek’s eyes move across the page, but never leaving Yuri far behind. 

Otabek lowered the battered book less than an inch, as he asked, "Want me to read it out loud?"

Yuri sat down on the bunk next to him and laid on his side, hugging his knees. Yuri wanted nothing more than to sit on a bunk bed in the dark and listen to a story. He wanted nothing more than to feel safe. He wanted nothing more than to go home. 


End file.
